How to Untangle the Entangled.
Welcome to AUGUST! The word for the past few weeks has definitely been ENTANGLEMENT. Pegged by Jada Pinkett-Smith herself. On the Red Table Talk she openly admitted to having an affair with singer August Alsina. When cornered about her relationship she referred to it as an “entanglement”. Memes have been swirling around and many people have weighed in on their relationship. Pointing fingers at who was wrong and saying how could this have happened. So I present the question.. Is there a difference between an “affair” and an “entanglement”.
To me there is a slight yet significant difference between the two. When I think of an affair, I think of an extramarital relationship happening where the person’s significant other is not aware. When I think of an entanglement, I think of an extramarital relationship where both the husband and wife have agreed to separate and entertain the idea of seeing other people. So yes, very similar yet different. However, we must take into account that in both situations, the person choosing to entertain others is STILL MARRIED. So lets clear up a common misconception.. SEPARATED DOES NOT MEAN SINGLE. I repeat SEPARATED does NOT mean single. It means still married yet contemplating the idea of getting off on the next exit ramp (i.e divorce). The only time a married person is single is when they are finally divorced..LOL.. I hope that clears it up for folks. One is not worse than the other; in my eyes they are truly equally wrong. But I’m not here to pass judgment I got enough of my own skeletons to start a small cemetery. But moving on….
So what should you do if you happen to find yourself in an “entanglement”? And when referring to this, it may not be just a sexual relationship. It could be an emotional connection that you have with someone else. So strong that you find yourself weighing the “What Ifs”… or you have thoughts that you know could really do some emotional damage to your partner. In these type of situations, you find yourself saying or thinking: “Oh XX doesn’t have the attitude like my wife” or “XX appreciates me more than my husband”. Comparing the relationship you have with the idea of one with someone else. In my opinion, to be attracted to others is healthy. You are married NOT BLIND! And if you say your aren’t attracted to others, you are LYING! Qualities that you have always been attracted too will still appeal to you. And newsflash your spouse isn’t the only one who has those qualities.
Now where we run into a hiccup is when you spend more time focusing on growing relationships with those you are attracted to and not focusing time and energy into your own marriage. It goes back to the idea that “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” but the real idea is the grass is greener ONLY WHERE YOU WATER IT! So you want your relationship with your spouse to grow; how much time do you spending watering it. Do you go on dates? Do you speak your partner’s love language? Do you show intimacy? Do you hold your partner accountable? DO YOU ADD VALUE? Triggered yet?? I sure am! It’s easy to leave; but fighting for your relationship is a lot harder.
So how do we untangle ourselves? Like anything the first step is to admit fault and that you have a problem. Not acknowledging a risky relationship does not make it less problematic. You have to address it head on and acknowledge that this relationship could cause friction if I don’t put up the stop signs soon. The next step is PRACTICE. You must practice distancing yourself from that situation. You can’t fuel the relationship with energy because that will only cause it to grow and develop. I give the example; you are a recovering alcoholic, but you go to the liquor store daily to just walk around. WHY???! You are purposely putting yourself in direct line of fire. Especially, if you are prone to fall of the wagon and fall into temptation quickly; why put yourself if compromising situations. That doesn’t show how strong you are.. it’s stupid and risky! And finally, the refocusing of your time and energy. Be more intentional with being present. Show up for your partner each day, even when they aren’t being their normal loveable self. Conduct self awareness checks… is there anything you could be doing better or that you should stop doing. And more importantly, listen to verbal and non verbal cues from your partner; they usually can give you a pretty good gauge on what’s going on.
Happy Untangling 🙂